He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
