ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
