I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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