did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
