There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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