life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
