she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
