i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
