that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
