some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
