I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
