So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
