i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
