Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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