Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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