you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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