This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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