I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
