We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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