Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
