I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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