I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
