ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
