walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
