So drunk its hurt
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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