I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
