My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my being single is dangerous.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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