I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
