Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
