All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I love having hate sex.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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