I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
