got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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