I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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