My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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