turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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