you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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