I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
