Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
