I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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