Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Duck Duck Cougar?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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