Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
