I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
