on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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