you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
