Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
