An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
