i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
