Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
