He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
