i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
