just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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