Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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